We went on a walk tonight. I wanted to experiment with taking pictures of something other than le bebe.
Ah, what fodder I can find.
When they say "transitional neighborhood" this is what they mean.
Showing posts with label I find odd things humorous sometimes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I find odd things humorous sometimes. Show all posts
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Things to say
Things a pregnant woman might like to hear even if she is fairly certain it's a lie:
"No, let me get that for you." (as said by a random parent)
"You look like you do 'being pregnant' well." (as said by the nine-fingered [female] security guard at school)
"Wow, you look like you've gained hardly any weight! I can't believe those pants still fit you so well." (as said by Em)
"From the back, you hardly look pregnant, you just look nice." (as said by Andrew)
Things a pregnant woman doesn't want to hear, even if she is fairly certain it's the truth:
"Are you having twins? Is that why you're so big?" (as said by a school counselor)
"Are you sure you have four weeks left? You look huge." (as said by the office secretary)
"Oh, look, you're waddling!" (as said by a science teacher, the other office secretary, every other math teacher in the department, and several students and students' parents)
Hee. Why yes, apparently I am measuring big, per the doctor today. But, um, have you met me? I am 6'1". And not a delicate flower 6'1". I was a ten pound baby, y'all. Little Man? The sperms what made him were from a tall person too. A betting person would put him at "above average size".
In other news:
Peace out, ya'll. Next time I update, it'll be my spring break. W00t!
"No, let me get that for you." (as said by a random parent)
"You look like you do 'being pregnant' well." (as said by the nine-fingered [female] security guard at school)
"Wow, you look like you've gained hardly any weight! I can't believe those pants still fit you so well." (as said by Em)
"From the back, you hardly look pregnant, you just look nice." (as said by Andrew)
Things a pregnant woman doesn't want to hear, even if she is fairly certain it's the truth:
"Are you having twins? Is that why you're so big?" (as said by a school counselor)
"Are you sure you have four weeks left? You look huge." (as said by the office secretary)
"Oh, look, you're waddling!" (as said by a science teacher, the other office secretary, every other math teacher in the department, and several students and students' parents)
Hee. Why yes, apparently I am measuring big, per the doctor today. But, um, have you met me? I am 6'1". And not a delicate flower 6'1". I was a ten pound baby, y'all. Little Man? The sperms what made him were from a tall person too. A betting person would put him at "above average size".
In other news:
- I don't just nest, I renovate. The kitchen is going well. We had an awesome meeting with the woman who's going to be installing our IKEA cabs and there's a few issues to address, but I think we can do that. And the moldy leak might be okay. And the engineering problem that caused the sinking second floor is taken care of. So, you know, no big deal and no stress...
- IKEA did call and say my kitchen order was available for pickup. So I showed up at the store and said, "Do I LOOK like I would order a kitchen for pickup?" They fixed it.
- My sister arrives the day after tomorrow. Her car seat arrived today. I can't wait.
- I got my hair cut. I have my first new hairstyle since the Mistake of a Boy Shag disaster from 2002.
Peace out, ya'll. Next time I update, it'll be my spring break. W00t!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Congratulations! You've Had a Baby! 1940s-style.
Part of the Paperwork Onslaught from Operation Granparents included a book the hospital gave my grandmother when my mom was born.
It's a gem. Now, as we all know, I don't have kids. So while I can't attest to the hilarity that this might induce, I do want everyone to know what the world perpetrated on mothers in the 1940's.
First, you open the book to great, creep-tastic Wartime ads.
No pressure, there, sport.
Then there are "articles":
Do's and Don'ts (my comments are next to the text)
Do: Keep your baby on an exact time schedule as far as possible.
Do: Bathe your baby every day. In hot weather, he should also be sponged two or three times a day. (really? two to three times a day? who does this?)
Do: Be sure the baby gets at least sixteen hours sleep a day the first year and from twenty to twenty-two hours sleep the first month. (I hear the hooting from here.)
Do: Give the baby complete quiet at feeding and sleeping hours. (It's like early Scientology!)
Don't: If you feed your baby out of a silver mug, be careful that the cup is not too hot.
Don't: give the baby tea, coffee, beer or wine of any kind, fried foods, pickles (?!), pie, lollypops, candy of any kind, nuts, pancakes, berries, ice cream cones (???), rich cakes, puddings, or meat gravies. (also: don't pound them in the head with hammer, feed them rancid meat, or let them eat out of the kitty litter box. Also: no radishes. But raw yolk is okay (see next article))
Don't rock or jounce your baby unncessarily. (DAMN that unnecessary jouncing.)
Don't let nayone kiss your baby if you can avoid it but if you cannot, let the kissing be done on the back of the baby's neck. (No, no wait! don't do that! Here, let me turn him over first: NOW you can kiss him!)
Though he cries, don't pick up your baby if he is well. A good lusty cry is excellent exercise. (Because I'm sure that's what'll run through your head: At least this is good exercise...)
Don't wash out your baby's mouth unless your doctor tells you to. (Whew! And to think: I was about to wash out my baby's mouth! WITH VODKA!)
Don't leave safety pins open. (I especially like the last one, because NORMALLY I think it's a good idea to leave safety pins open and about. However, once you have a baby, that's a bad idea. Only then.)
"This is How We Spend Our Day"
This is how the schedule starts:
5:55 a.m.: Diaper and night gown changed so that breakfast be better enjoyed.
(My friend Leah: "I don't think I dressed my kid for the first month. Or me.")
6:00 a.m.: Breakfast served--a la breast or via bottle
6:25 a.m.: Diaper replacement due.
6:30 a.m.: Back to bed for a snooze (we hope)
8:50 a.m.: (if awake) Orange juice. If sleeping, of course, do not disturb.
9:10 a.m.: Clothes off--all save the diaper-and into his crip or onto the top of his bathtub, safely strapped, for setting-up exercises of his choosing ("I'd really prefer the pilates today, mother."). Cod liver oil served "in the nude" saves spotting of clothing and is acceptable just before being dressed. (AFTER being dressed, however, it's worse than wearing white shoes after Labor Day.)
And so it goes... "10:30 a.m.: Nap, preferably out of doors." Um, really?
"2:00 p.m.: Refreshments; milk of course; egg yolk and other solids." Apparently, they didn't have that pesky salmonella back then.
And so on, until "10:00 p.m: Liquid refreshments--if infant and doctor insist. Diaper changing and back to sleep until 5:50 a.m."
Heh heh. That's exactly how I've heard of it working.
Now, this, of course, is predicated on the "6-to-6" schedule, but if you prefer, you can train your baby to the "8-to-8" schedule "if you're persistant."
"We guarantee it will sound fine to the man of the house who will not be awakened daily before break of dawn."
"His eating at 12 noon, would leave you free to keep your 1 p.m. luncheon engagements." Because I know those luncheon engagements (where does baby go? with you? I didn't know there was a baby-keeping place at luncheons) are of utmost importance to new mama's. Over, say, dressing. Or showering. Or maybe napping.
Also included in the book: all the updates from my mother's pediatrician appointments.
When Mom left the hospital, she was eight days old. And included on the "Instructions for Mothers" is
--The baby should nurse for not longer than twenty minutes
--Offer warm, b oiled water between feedings when the baby is awake.
--The formula recipe is: Carnation milk, 5 ounces, boiled water, 9 ounces, and Dark Karo CORN SYRUP, 1 and 1/2 tablespoons.
One month later:
--You can discontinue the nursing now.
--Make a formula using One large can of Carnation milk, 23 oz of water, 3.5 tbls. of Karo
--Offer 4 1/2-5 oz of this formula every 4 hours, 5 times daily
--After feedings occasionally, offer 1-2 eas. of water, to keep the mouth rinsed out.
--Give 3 drops of the Percomorphum oil twice daily. Drop this on the back of her tongue.
--At the same times that you give the oild rops, give 1/2 oz of strained orange juice diluted in 1/2 oz of water. Sweeten if necessary (sweeten????).
But really, it's in the back, where the ads get really good.
Look! It's the essentials for your baby! That include: strapping your baby in bed! Because that's totally safe! Safer than letting them ROLL AROUND LIKE COMMUNISTS! And also! a stuffed animal absolutely COVERED in chewable bite-sized buttons! BY DESIGN! It's even CALLED the "Button Buddy!" Your child's choking hazards should be portable! Now, they're conveniently attached to a dog-shaped...thing!
No, really, rub your baby's head with this bottle of... uh... stuff... seriously, we make chocolate, and that's good and tasty, right? And babies with curly hair are cute! so... no, there's no chocolate in this, but you trust us, right? And it's only a dollar!
You can't think about toilet training too early, so this ad, in this magazine given to you JUST AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, before you've probably pooped in a toilet yourself, is perfectly placed! But moreover, checck out our extra super special detail: yes, about half-way down, it's the TOIDEYETTE: "tall plastic shield and deflector".... Even better, strapping your child into a training potty WILL NOT GIVE THEM A TOILET COMPLEX IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER, WE SWEAR.
Apparently they were really into strapping those kidlets down at every available opportunity. Look at this ad, from a seemingly innocent Qtips:
Yay! Qtips and a baby! It's cute! Look, it even says, "It's Fun!" "There's a cotton tip at each end of the stick to save you time." (Uh, I added that emphasis.) But all is not so innocent--no! Take another look at that Mama and happy baby:
Scary Mommy! Scary Mommy, threatening Giganto Baby with Pointy Thing! Giganto Baby, strapped in, can't escape!
I think this explains a lot about our parents, don't you?
It's a gem. Now, as we all know, I don't have kids. So while I can't attest to the hilarity that this might induce, I do want everyone to know what the world perpetrated on mothers in the 1940's.
First, you open the book to great, creep-tastic Wartime ads.
No pressure, there, sport.
Then there are "articles":
Do's and Don'ts (my comments are next to the text)
Do: Keep your baby on an exact time schedule as far as possible.
Do: Bathe your baby every day. In hot weather, he should also be sponged two or three times a day. (really? two to three times a day? who does this?)
Do: Be sure the baby gets at least sixteen hours sleep a day the first year and from twenty to twenty-two hours sleep the first month. (I hear the hooting from here.)
Do: Give the baby complete quiet at feeding and sleeping hours. (It's like early Scientology!)
Don't: If you feed your baby out of a silver mug, be careful that the cup is not too hot.
Don't: give the baby tea, coffee, beer or wine of any kind, fried foods, pickles (?!), pie, lollypops, candy of any kind, nuts, pancakes, berries, ice cream cones (???), rich cakes, puddings, or meat gravies. (also: don't pound them in the head with hammer, feed them rancid meat, or let them eat out of the kitty litter box. Also: no radishes. But raw yolk is okay (see next article))
Don't rock or jounce your baby unncessarily. (DAMN that unnecessary jouncing.)
Don't let nayone kiss your baby if you can avoid it but if you cannot, let the kissing be done on the back of the baby's neck. (No, no wait! don't do that! Here, let me turn him over first: NOW you can kiss him!)
Though he cries, don't pick up your baby if he is well. A good lusty cry is excellent exercise. (Because I'm sure that's what'll run through your head: At least this is good exercise...)
Don't wash out your baby's mouth unless your doctor tells you to. (Whew! And to think: I was about to wash out my baby's mouth! WITH VODKA!)
Don't leave safety pins open. (I especially like the last one, because NORMALLY I think it's a good idea to leave safety pins open and about. However, once you have a baby, that's a bad idea. Only then.)
"This is How We Spend Our Day"
This is how the schedule starts:
5:55 a.m.: Diaper and night gown changed so that breakfast be better enjoyed.
(My friend Leah: "I don't think I dressed my kid for the first month. Or me.")
6:00 a.m.: Breakfast served--a la breast or via bottle
6:25 a.m.: Diaper replacement due.
6:30 a.m.: Back to bed for a snooze (we hope)
8:50 a.m.: (if awake) Orange juice. If sleeping, of course, do not disturb.
9:10 a.m.: Clothes off--all save the diaper-and into his crip or onto the top of his bathtub, safely strapped, for setting-up exercises of his choosing ("I'd really prefer the pilates today, mother."). Cod liver oil served "in the nude" saves spotting of clothing and is acceptable just before being dressed. (AFTER being dressed, however, it's worse than wearing white shoes after Labor Day.)
And so it goes... "10:30 a.m.: Nap, preferably out of doors." Um, really?
"2:00 p.m.: Refreshments; milk of course; egg yolk and other solids." Apparently, they didn't have that pesky salmonella back then.
And so on, until "10:00 p.m: Liquid refreshments--if infant and doctor insist. Diaper changing and back to sleep until 5:50 a.m."
Heh heh. That's exactly how I've heard of it working.
Now, this, of course, is predicated on the "6-to-6" schedule, but if you prefer, you can train your baby to the "8-to-8" schedule "if you're persistant."
"We guarantee it will sound fine to the man of the house who will not be awakened daily before break of dawn."
"His eating at 12 noon, would leave you free to keep your 1 p.m. luncheon engagements." Because I know those luncheon engagements (where does baby go? with you? I didn't know there was a baby-keeping place at luncheons) are of utmost importance to new mama's. Over, say, dressing. Or showering. Or maybe napping.
Also included in the book: all the updates from my mother's pediatrician appointments.
When Mom left the hospital, she was eight days old. And included on the "Instructions for Mothers" is
--The baby should nurse for not longer than twenty minutes
--Offer warm, b oiled water between feedings when the baby is awake.
--The formula recipe is: Carnation milk, 5 ounces, boiled water, 9 ounces, and Dark Karo CORN SYRUP, 1 and 1/2 tablespoons.
One month later:
--You can discontinue the nursing now.
--Make a formula using One large can of Carnation milk, 23 oz of water, 3.5 tbls. of Karo
--Offer 4 1/2-5 oz of this formula every 4 hours, 5 times daily
--After feedings occasionally, offer 1-2 eas. of water, to keep the mouth rinsed out.
--Give 3 drops of the Percomorphum oil twice daily. Drop this on the back of her tongue.
--At the same times that you give the oild rops, give 1/2 oz of strained orange juice diluted in 1/2 oz of water. Sweeten if necessary (sweeten????).
But really, it's in the back, where the ads get really good.
Look! It's the essentials for your baby! That include: strapping your baby in bed! Because that's totally safe! Safer than letting them ROLL AROUND LIKE COMMUNISTS! And also! a stuffed animal absolutely COVERED in chewable bite-sized buttons! BY DESIGN! It's even CALLED the "Button Buddy!" Your child's choking hazards should be portable! Now, they're conveniently attached to a dog-shaped...thing!
No, really, rub your baby's head with this bottle of... uh... stuff... seriously, we make chocolate, and that's good and tasty, right? And babies with curly hair are cute! so... no, there's no chocolate in this, but you trust us, right? And it's only a dollar!
You can't think about toilet training too early, so this ad, in this magazine given to you JUST AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, before you've probably pooped in a toilet yourself, is perfectly placed! But moreover, checck out our extra super special detail: yes, about half-way down, it's the TOIDEYETTE: "tall plastic shield and deflector".... Even better, strapping your child into a training potty WILL NOT GIVE THEM A TOILET COMPLEX IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER, WE SWEAR.
Apparently they were really into strapping those kidlets down at every available opportunity. Look at this ad, from a seemingly innocent Qtips:
Yay! Qtips and a baby! It's cute! Look, it even says, "It's Fun!" "There's a cotton tip at each end of the stick to save you time." (Uh, I added that emphasis.) But all is not so innocent--no! Take another look at that Mama and happy baby:
Scary Mommy! Scary Mommy, threatening Giganto Baby with Pointy Thing! Giganto Baby, strapped in, can't escape!
I think this explains a lot about our parents, don't you?
Monday, July 30, 2007
I had an oops.
I don't feel guilty. Conversations like this have been going on all over the greater Portland metro area since Wednesday.
Him: What’s this?
Me: A squeegee.
A what?
A squeegee!
Why do we have a squeegee!
It was ninety-nine cents! At IKEA!
I thought you were going to IKEA with Emily on Friday.
Well, yes, but I just stopped by today. I’m sooooo bored, and plus I needed a shelf for the bathroom.
So you went to IKEA, and you bought a shelf and a squeegee?
And a salad spinner.
And a salad spinner.
It was right by the checkout! And we have all that lettuce.
So if I looked all over this house, all I would find is a shelf, a squeegee, and a salad spinner.
Yes, I only bought stuff if it started with an s.
Really?
No.
So, that’s it, though?
Oh, yeah, I was great! Well, that, and the mirror that’s still in the car.
A mirror.
Yeah, and some hooks.
So a shelf, a squeegee, a salad spinner, a mirror and some hooks.
Yeah, and I’m going back on Friday with Emily. We totally need some shelving for the basement.
Him: What’s this?
Me: A squeegee.
A what?
A squeegee!
Why do we have a squeegee!
It was ninety-nine cents! At IKEA!
I thought you were going to IKEA with Emily on Friday.
Well, yes, but I just stopped by today. I’m sooooo bored, and plus I needed a shelf for the bathroom.
So you went to IKEA, and you bought a shelf and a squeegee?
And a salad spinner.
And a salad spinner.
It was right by the checkout! And we have all that lettuce.
So if I looked all over this house, all I would find is a shelf, a squeegee, and a salad spinner.
Yes, I only bought stuff if it started with an s.
Really?
No.
So, that’s it, though?
Oh, yeah, I was great! Well, that, and the mirror that’s still in the car.
A mirror.
Yeah, and some hooks.
So a shelf, a squeegee, a salad spinner, a mirror and some hooks.
Yeah, and I’m going back on Friday with Emily. We totally need some shelving for the basement.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Different Day, Different Conversation
...so, the problem starts here.
By the washer and dryer?
Yes. And we attached this here.
Okayyy...
...and then we strung this up across here and drilled a hole through the wall here...
Yeahhhhh...
...where it attaches here.
Uh-huh.
This is where my husband plugs in his computer.
His.... computer?
Yup. Into this powerstrip that's plugged into that extension cord. And then there's this extension cord that's plugged into the power strip there that goes back here, and behind that, and around there, and then there's another power strip plugged into that.
Oh... God. What... what is in the power strip?
Well, there's the cable box, there, and then the AV tuner, and the DVD player and... oh, yeah, the projector and... oh! the speakers, those big ones over there. And, huh. There's another extension cord plugged into this power strip. I think it goes to that floor lamp over there, but I'm not sure.
Does... when... um. When you turn anything on, does anything happen, to, um, the other lights?
Oh, it goes to the XBox! Huh. I didn't know we had this many extension cords. Or power strips. Or extension cords in power strips. Wait, what? Does anything happen? Wow, I don't know. Here, lemme try.
NO! I mean, no, that's... okay.
Oh, okay.
I mean, it's not okay, this isn't okay. There is nothing about this that is okay!
Yeah, okay.
No! Not okay!
Right, yeah, okay. I MEAN! Bad! Bad us!
So can I see your panel?
Right. It's over here.
Uh... huh.
What?
Well, it's... there's... there's a little too much going on here.
Oh, well, that is certainly a shock.
Hrm.
Get it? A shock?
Yes. I got it.
A shock? Because it's electricity? And we're overpluggers?
Right. I got it. Shock. Funny. You'll need a new subpanel.
Um, okay.
I'm afraid to ask but... anything else you want me to take a look at?
Nope! I think this is the only electrical health hazard we have to pour money in after. If you want to take a look at our furnace, though...
Dear god no. The heart trembles.
Right then, that's it.
It's certainly enough. I mean! Should I fax the estimate to you? You... don't have a fax plugged in anywhere down here, do you? Please. I beg you, say no.
Yeah, no fax.
Right. I'll mail the estimate to you.
Great. The heart trembles.
...
Get it? Because you said that and...
I got it. The estimate will be in the mail tomorrow. No, no, I can show myself out. In the dark. Please. Don't turn anything on until I leave. Please.
By the washer and dryer?
Yes. And we attached this here.
Okayyy...
...and then we strung this up across here and drilled a hole through the wall here...
Yeahhhhh...
...where it attaches here.
Uh-huh.
This is where my husband plugs in his computer.
His.... computer?
Yup. Into this powerstrip that's plugged into that extension cord. And then there's this extension cord that's plugged into the power strip there that goes back here, and behind that, and around there, and then there's another power strip plugged into that.
Oh... God. What... what is in the power strip?
Well, there's the cable box, there, and then the AV tuner, and the DVD player and... oh, yeah, the projector and... oh! the speakers, those big ones over there. And, huh. There's another extension cord plugged into this power strip. I think it goes to that floor lamp over there, but I'm not sure.
Does... when... um. When you turn anything on, does anything happen, to, um, the other lights?
Oh, it goes to the XBox! Huh. I didn't know we had this many extension cords. Or power strips. Or extension cords in power strips. Wait, what? Does anything happen? Wow, I don't know. Here, lemme try.
NO! I mean, no, that's... okay.
Oh, okay.
I mean, it's not okay, this isn't okay. There is nothing about this that is okay!
Yeah, okay.
No! Not okay!
Right, yeah, okay. I MEAN! Bad! Bad us!
So can I see your panel?
Right. It's over here.
Uh... huh.
What?
Well, it's... there's... there's a little too much going on here.
Oh, well, that is certainly a shock.
Hrm.
Get it? A shock?
Yes. I got it.
A shock? Because it's electricity? And we're overpluggers?
Right. I got it. Shock. Funny. You'll need a new subpanel.
Um, okay.
I'm afraid to ask but... anything else you want me to take a look at?
Nope! I think this is the only electrical health hazard we have to pour money in after. If you want to take a look at our furnace, though...
Dear god no. The heart trembles.
Right then, that's it.
It's certainly enough. I mean! Should I fax the estimate to you? You... don't have a fax plugged in anywhere down here, do you? Please. I beg you, say no.
Yeah, no fax.
Right. I'll mail the estimate to you.
Great. The heart trembles.
...
Get it? Because you said that and...
I got it. The estimate will be in the mail tomorrow. No, no, I can show myself out. In the dark. Please. Don't turn anything on until I leave. Please.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
S1GNS
"...so do you think it's PMS?"
"I dunno. I mean, I don't feel especially PMSy. Except..."
"Except what?"
"I did cry tonight at an episode of NUMB3RS."
"..."
"What? It was really sweet moment where the guy on death row got to meet his daughter for the first time, and all he could say was, "Sorry.""
"NUMB3RS?"
"Yeah, okay, so maybe PMS."
"I dunno. I mean, I don't feel especially PMSy. Except..."
"Except what?"
"I did cry tonight at an episode of NUMB3RS."
"..."
"What? It was really sweet moment where the guy on death row got to meet his daughter for the first time, and all he could say was, "Sorry.""
"NUMB3RS?"
"Yeah, okay, so maybe PMS."
Monday, April 23, 2007
Today is gonna suuuuuuuuck.
Yahoo!
I woke up at two!
Today will be great fun!
And tho it's technically just begun,
Hours I've been up is four
And there will be so many more
Filled with teens and work,
My job I cannot shirk.
Yippee!
Don't you wish you were me!
I woke up at two!
Today will be great fun!
And tho it's technically just begun,
Hours I've been up is four
And there will be so many more
Filled with teens and work,
My job I cannot shirk.
Yippee!
Don't you wish you were me!
Monday, April 09, 2007
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Why I didn't go to the gym today
5:00 Wake up.
5:25 Realize that the clock had not, in fact, read 6:00 like I'd thought. But now I'm showered. And dressed.
5:45 Might as well have breakfast.
6:10 Might as well go to work.
6:30 Grade the quizzes I was supposed to grade this weekend, but didn't because my geek squad WENT TO THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP AND TOTALLY WON AND IT ROCKED.
7:00 Students! Hi! You are all very loud! And I have not had my coffee yet! I swear, I'll be right back!
7:05 Get hung up on the office as everyone wants to congratulate me on my geek squad WHO ARE NOW CERTIFIABLY THE BEST IN THE STATE AND PROBABLY THE BEST IN THE NORTHWEST AND PERHAPS THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY THEY ROCK THAT HARD.
7:20 Get back to my classroom just as zero period starts. I have ten students in asking for help.
7:50 Zero period over before I ever found anything even slightly resembling a groove. A grooveless, groove-free, nongrooving zero period.
7:55 My prep period starts in which I need to (a) finish grading quizzes (b) plan for the class where I'm to be observed by the principal (c) write a test (d) write some review sheets and (e) something else, and it must have been what I did because I certainly didn't do (a) through (d), but I'll be damned if I can remember what I did.
8:55 Stats class. Three people--THREE--have done their homework. Put off test one day. In the last three minutes of class, get a call from a local newspaper about my geek squad WINNING FIRST PLACE IN THE ENTIRE STATE BECAUSE THEY ROCK THE HARDEST. I ask if I can email her more details later, but I'm teaching class right now.
9:50 Oh, Hi, Principal M! Yeah, I'm totally prepared to teach this class (what was (b) in my prep? shit shit shit! it's not, like, totally obvious I am faking my way through this class and am, in fact, completely pitted out right now, is it? shit shit shit!)
10:35 Can forty five minutes go more slowly?
10:40 Class over. Thank you sweet jesus for not actually stopping time, even though, I have to admit, it totally and completely felt like it, but I'm not holding grudges, baby jesus, I swear I'm not.
10:45 Give the same lesson plan another go. Equally shitty. Crap. Can't blame the principal's presence on the shitfest that was 3rd period.
11:25 In the last ten minutes of class, get a call from newspaper two because my geek squad IS THE BEST IN THE STATE AT THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS THAT THEY TOTALLY WON BECAUSE OF THE EXCESS OF ROCKING THAT HAPPENED. Get the students together? For a picture? No problem! Yeah, just send your photographer down! Yeah, absolutely! Well, lunch is in ten minutes, and it lasts half an hour, so send him down in, what, say forty five minutes? Yeah, noon, noon-fifteen. That'd be great!
11:35. Lunch. Shit shit shit. Email due to newspaper one. What does she want? Totally forgot and can't read my message to myself. Get as detailed as possible, she can cut what she wants. And then, newspaper two! What do I have to do to get permission for photographers to, y'know, photograph the students? Where are they? How do I get them here? Oh! Trophies! Where are the trophies? Gotta get the trophies. And how do I get permission? And someone's gotta be in my fifth period class while I'm... hey, can you cover my fifth? Great! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CO-ADVISOR HAS A SUB TODAY??? AHHHHHH! And I have to find some food. Food. Where can I... right, lunchroom, cafeteria, buy a sandwich and some Sun Chips. Put sandwich on my desk I'll... get to it. Soon. CRAP--that's the bell? Lunch is over?
11:15--thanks for covering my fifth period. This'll be, like, five minutes.
11:20 Nah, you should just take a picture of the kids, they're great, they did all the work (plus, have you NOTICED this giant zit in the middle between my nose and upper lip? I mean, it's a totally bi-colored pulsing MONSTROSITY! No WAY am I committing that to photgraphic record!), 'kay, great you guys are... no? not done? Oh, no problem at all...
11:45 Shit shit shit shit! Sorry that took so long I TOTALLY owe you a covered first period free gratis anytime kthxbieee! Okay, kids, buckle your seatbeltS, we're about to do fifty minutes worth of proofs in twenty! Wheeee! Cuz this lesson didn't suck hard enough the first two times I did it today, it has to suck balls even worse! AWESOME!
1:10 Oh, hi sixth period. So, yeah, what were we doing today? Right. Review. I. Um. Do you mind if I eat my sandwich first?
2:00 Thank God end of school day. Oh, hi... you... right. Wanted to take your test today because you're leaving for China tomorrow. Huh. Right, that test that I... no, I totally have it written I just haven't... oh, you have something else to do first? Yeah, fine, do that, I'll have the test for you at 2:30. Shit shit shit shit shit.
2:10 Newspaper number three. I... they were great. It's all just... can I call you back? Because I just might die soon.
2:30 No, yeah, kiddo, I totally have the test for you. Here, why don't you start the free response while I finish... proofreading the multiple choice.
3:00 See? Here's the multiple choice, totally typo free!
3:03 Ha! Ha ha ha! Isn't it funny? See where it says "confidencer"? Hee! That should so say "confidence"!
3:06 Ha! Ha ha ha. Um. That place where it says "pyrothesis"? Yeah, I don't even know what that means. I think it is supposed to say "hypothesis."
3:10 Ha. Ha. Crap. Number 5, where it says "now" that really should say "not". Yeah, it really does change the meaning of the question, doesn't it?
3:12 Ah, hell, don't even bother to answer #7. I don't even know what I was trying to say.
4:00 Holy hell, how is it four already?
5:00 Sweet she-gods of Jerusalem, it's five? I.... have to leave. I... what the hell? When did that happen? Baby jesus, are you trying to mess with time again?
5:45 Hi hon, I'm home! How was my... ? What? DAMMIT. No, I didn't go to the dentist. Yes, I forgot completely about it. No, I know exactly where I was at four. Yes, I'll reschedule. No, I don't have the other doctor's phone number, and No, I didn't call her, and Yes, you can call and make an appointment all you want.
6:45 Ahhhhh, Screw Kappa Napa, have I ever told you how very very very much I love you?
5:25 Realize that the clock had not, in fact, read 6:00 like I'd thought. But now I'm showered. And dressed.
5:45 Might as well have breakfast.
6:10 Might as well go to work.
6:30 Grade the quizzes I was supposed to grade this weekend, but didn't because my geek squad WENT TO THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP AND TOTALLY WON AND IT ROCKED.
7:00 Students! Hi! You are all very loud! And I have not had my coffee yet! I swear, I'll be right back!
7:05 Get hung up on the office as everyone wants to congratulate me on my geek squad WHO ARE NOW CERTIFIABLY THE BEST IN THE STATE AND PROBABLY THE BEST IN THE NORTHWEST AND PERHAPS THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY THEY ROCK THAT HARD.
7:20 Get back to my classroom just as zero period starts. I have ten students in asking for help.
7:50 Zero period over before I ever found anything even slightly resembling a groove. A grooveless, groove-free, nongrooving zero period.
7:55 My prep period starts in which I need to (a) finish grading quizzes (b) plan for the class where I'm to be observed by the principal (c) write a test (d) write some review sheets and (e) something else, and it must have been what I did because I certainly didn't do (a) through (d), but I'll be damned if I can remember what I did.
8:55 Stats class. Three people--THREE--have done their homework. Put off test one day. In the last three minutes of class, get a call from a local newspaper about my geek squad WINNING FIRST PLACE IN THE ENTIRE STATE BECAUSE THEY ROCK THE HARDEST. I ask if I can email her more details later, but I'm teaching class right now.
9:50 Oh, Hi, Principal M! Yeah, I'm totally prepared to teach this class (what was (b) in my prep? shit shit shit! it's not, like, totally obvious I am faking my way through this class and am, in fact, completely pitted out right now, is it? shit shit shit!)
10:35 Can forty five minutes go more slowly?
10:40 Class over. Thank you sweet jesus for not actually stopping time, even though, I have to admit, it totally and completely felt like it, but I'm not holding grudges, baby jesus, I swear I'm not.
10:45 Give the same lesson plan another go. Equally shitty. Crap. Can't blame the principal's presence on the shitfest that was 3rd period.
11:25 In the last ten minutes of class, get a call from newspaper two because my geek squad IS THE BEST IN THE STATE AT THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIPS THAT THEY TOTALLY WON BECAUSE OF THE EXCESS OF ROCKING THAT HAPPENED. Get the students together? For a picture? No problem! Yeah, just send your photographer down! Yeah, absolutely! Well, lunch is in ten minutes, and it lasts half an hour, so send him down in, what, say forty five minutes? Yeah, noon, noon-fifteen. That'd be great!
11:35. Lunch. Shit shit shit. Email due to newspaper one. What does she want? Totally forgot and can't read my message to myself. Get as detailed as possible, she can cut what she wants. And then, newspaper two! What do I have to do to get permission for photographers to, y'know, photograph the students? Where are they? How do I get them here? Oh! Trophies! Where are the trophies? Gotta get the trophies. And how do I get permission? And someone's gotta be in my fifth period class while I'm... hey, can you cover my fifth? Great! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CO-ADVISOR HAS A SUB TODAY??? AHHHHHH! And I have to find some food. Food. Where can I... right, lunchroom, cafeteria, buy a sandwich and some Sun Chips. Put sandwich on my desk I'll... get to it. Soon. CRAP--that's the bell? Lunch is over?
11:15--thanks for covering my fifth period. This'll be, like, five minutes.
11:20 Nah, you should just take a picture of the kids, they're great, they did all the work (plus, have you NOTICED this giant zit in the middle between my nose and upper lip? I mean, it's a totally bi-colored pulsing MONSTROSITY! No WAY am I committing that to photgraphic record!), 'kay, great you guys are... no? not done? Oh, no problem at all...
11:45 Shit shit shit shit! Sorry that took so long I TOTALLY owe you a covered first period free gratis anytime kthxbieee! Okay, kids, buckle your seatbeltS, we're about to do fifty minutes worth of proofs in twenty! Wheeee! Cuz this lesson didn't suck hard enough the first two times I did it today, it has to suck balls even worse! AWESOME!
1:10 Oh, hi sixth period. So, yeah, what were we doing today? Right. Review. I. Um. Do you mind if I eat my sandwich first?
2:00 Thank God end of school day. Oh, hi... you... right. Wanted to take your test today because you're leaving for China tomorrow. Huh. Right, that test that I... no, I totally have it written I just haven't... oh, you have something else to do first? Yeah, fine, do that, I'll have the test for you at 2:30. Shit shit shit shit shit.
2:10 Newspaper number three. I... they were great. It's all just... can I call you back? Because I just might die soon.
2:30 No, yeah, kiddo, I totally have the test for you. Here, why don't you start the free response while I finish... proofreading the multiple choice.
3:00 See? Here's the multiple choice, totally typo free!
3:03 Ha! Ha ha ha! Isn't it funny? See where it says "confidencer"? Hee! That should so say "confidence"!
3:06 Ha! Ha ha ha. Um. That place where it says "pyrothesis"? Yeah, I don't even know what that means. I think it is supposed to say "hypothesis."
3:10 Ha. Ha. Crap. Number 5, where it says "now" that really should say "not". Yeah, it really does change the meaning of the question, doesn't it?
3:12 Ah, hell, don't even bother to answer #7. I don't even know what I was trying to say.
4:00 Holy hell, how is it four already?
5:00 Sweet she-gods of Jerusalem, it's five? I.... have to leave. I... what the hell? When did that happen? Baby jesus, are you trying to mess with time again?
5:45 Hi hon, I'm home! How was my... ? What? DAMMIT. No, I didn't go to the dentist. Yes, I forgot completely about it. No, I know exactly where I was at four. Yes, I'll reschedule. No, I don't have the other doctor's phone number, and No, I didn't call her, and Yes, you can call and make an appointment all you want.
6:45 Ahhhhh, Screw Kappa Napa, have I ever told you how very very very much I love you?
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Would you like some tea with that awkward?
I have the best friends in the world. I've been getting the sweetest cards that invariably make me cry but also make me feel like eventually, one day, maybe even one day soon, I'll be less of a hermit and it won't hurt too much. I still hesitate when I get an envelope with handwriting on it, I kind of put off reading it until I'm okay with the idea that I'll want to cry and it'll take me back to that place but I eventually do read it because I'm so incredibly, deeply touched.
Plus, cards are way way better than phone calls. Such as my 90-some-odd year old grandparents, my oh-so-Minnesota-Scandinavian-Uff-da grandparents. The phone conversation went like this (note: you'll have to insert the northern-Minnesota accent yourself):
Me: "Hi Grampa!"
Grampa: "Oohhhh, Hi Kari, it's your Grampa here... your grandmother is getting on the other line... so..."
Me: "... well, hi Grampa... um... how're you?"
Grampa: "I'm fiiiine... you know... your grandmother is getting on the other line..."
Grandma: "Hiiiii, Kari!"
Me (loudly):"Hi, Grandma, how're you?"
Grandma: "Ooooh, you know... truckin' along... "
Grampa: "We're.... we're calling because.... your mother told us that you... that you... that some rough things happened and... we've sure been thinking about you, you know, a lot...."
Me (thinking, shoot me now, can this get more awkward? and that I suck and will burn in hell for thinking such terrible things about my grandparents being super sweet? and yet, the awkward? is awkward and awful?) "Yeah, it's been rough...."
Grampa: "...and we're sure sorry and sad."
Me: "That's very kind, thanks. I... yeah, it's been a rough week, but thanks."
Grampa: "So, how's the weather down there?"
Me: "Fine, it's 60 and sunny today. How about you?"
Grampa: "Oh, it's been terrible, the worst storm I can remember! We've been snowed in for days now."
Grandma: "We're surviving off the food we have in the house!"
Me: "That sounds awful!"
Grampa: "Oh, you know. Are you planning a trip up to visit us?"
Me: "Um. Well, our plans for the year have been somewhat abruptly changed, so we'll try to figure something out..."
Grampa: "That'd be great, we'd sure look forward to it. We're thinking of you."
Grandma: "Be a good girl, now!"
Click.
Me: "Okay, um, bye?"
I don't think they make a card for that conversation.
Plus, cards are way way better than phone calls. Such as my 90-some-odd year old grandparents, my oh-so-Minnesota-Scandinavian-Uff-da grandparents. The phone conversation went like this (note: you'll have to insert the northern-Minnesota accent yourself):
Me: "Hi Grampa!"
Grampa: "Oohhhh, Hi Kari, it's your Grampa here... your grandmother is getting on the other line... so..."
Me: "... well, hi Grampa... um... how're you?"
Grampa: "I'm fiiiine... you know... your grandmother is getting on the other line..."
Grandma: "Hiiiii, Kari!"
Me (loudly):"Hi, Grandma, how're you?"
Grandma: "Ooooh, you know... truckin' along... "
Grampa: "We're.... we're calling because.... your mother told us that you... that you... that some rough things happened and... we've sure been thinking about you, you know, a lot...."
Me (thinking, shoot me now, can this get more awkward? and that I suck and will burn in hell for thinking such terrible things about my grandparents being super sweet? and yet, the awkward? is awkward and awful?) "Yeah, it's been rough...."
Grampa: "...and we're sure sorry and sad."
Me: "That's very kind, thanks. I... yeah, it's been a rough week, but thanks."
Grampa: "So, how's the weather down there?"
Me: "Fine, it's 60 and sunny today. How about you?"
Grampa: "Oh, it's been terrible, the worst storm I can remember! We've been snowed in for days now."
Grandma: "We're surviving off the food we have in the house!"
Me: "That sounds awful!"
Grampa: "Oh, you know. Are you planning a trip up to visit us?"
Me: "Um. Well, our plans for the year have been somewhat abruptly changed, so we'll try to figure something out..."
Grampa: "That'd be great, we'd sure look forward to it. We're thinking of you."
Grandma: "Be a good girl, now!"
Click.
Me: "Okay, um, bye?"
I don't think they make a card for that conversation.
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