Monday, April 02, 2007

Communication.

Dear 2007,

Okay, I've slammed you in the past, but in my defense, you've done some really shitty things.

Okay, okay, this isn't going to be a blame sort of letter. It's a new beginnings sort of letter. So I don't want to start off on that negative foot.

Yay, I got my period! My first period of 2007! (if you don't count that four weeks of bleeding that totally included my embryo, but whatever) It's a chance to start over, that kind of restart you never get with a boyfriend who swore he didn't mean to give head to your roommate because oops it just happened and it's really you he loves or your high school friend who totally sent that note that you intercepted calling you a bitch even though she totally denied that it was so in her handwriting even though it totally was because no one else made those y's with the crazy "artsy" loop. Those restarts were never, you know, untainted.

Ahem. Not that I'm holding a grudge or anything. Clean slate, hormones! New beginnings, uterus! I loooooove you, 2007! You wanna come over, just hang out? No, yeah, we're totally friends!

Seriously, a friend just gave me the best compliment tonight. "You're much less angry," she said. Which is true. I am able to be focused on what can still happen, what the next few months can hold. Mostly. Let's not say I'm not totally panicked about how I'm going to react when the gush of babies that's about to happen does, in fact, occur (blessings of health upon the half-dozen of babies due to friends and family because the opposite is too calamitous to contemplate) because I am panicked but I choose not to focus on that. When that happens and if I'm not knocked up at the time, then I'll deal with that when I deal with that (probably with chocolate and alcohol, because hey, at least I'll be able to drink! silver linings, right?) but what I can focus on right now? I'm bleeding which means SOMETHING is still working the way it should and that means I'm that much closer to trying again.

It's not awkward at all that I don't know how to talk to loved ones who are pregnant. It's not awkward at all that I don't know how to communicate the sadness that's always there, the anger that is still there. It's not uncomfortable at all that I see my relationships changing because I just don't possess the fortitude to admit that the relationship has changed just as a result of circumstances and be okay with that. I don't want to blame you for that, 2007, but you are kind of a guilty bystander to all of that. Life is unfair, at its base, and that's not your fault anymore than it's all these mommma-to-be's faults.

You do, however, make an extremely convenient scapegoat.

So I'm trying not to blame you, 2007. I really am. And I'm trying to be okay with everyone else being as fertile as the fucking Nile Delta ("hahah! we got pregnant the first time we tried! Isn't that funny! And awkward as all fucking hell? Hahaha!") because it's not their fault either.

So can you do us a favor? It's not our fault either? You know? So, kinda, cut us some slack? Because that'd be great.

Thanks.
Me.

1 comment:

Em said...

I heart you.