Tuesday, January 16, 2007

To Portland, my school, and various and sundry others

Dear Portland,

This is how you do a snow day. Gorgeous.

Now freaking plow the roads, you jackholes. We live on the Major Cross Street, the one that divides North Portland from South Portland, and in six hours of pretty constant snow, it hasn't been plowed once. NOT ONCE. We also live near the major north-south boundary street and it hasn't been plowed. You, as a city, sometimes suck.

With love, but also without patience,

Dear School,

See above about "This is how you do a snow day." Thursday's snow day was weeeeeak. Not a lick of snow, barely any wind. It was above 40, for chrissakes!

And yet I got a call at 5:00 a.m. telling me school was cancelled.

Today, though. Snow, freezing rain expected, won't get above 35 all day (in fact, that's perfect for melt-refreeze! awesome!). And yet--you waited until I pulled into the school parking lot to cancel school.

Well done!

Thanks a ton, and thankfully I didn't die on my way home, although if I did it would have totally been your fault,

PS: also, considering finals are next week and the make-up days for snow days aren't till June, please don't be surprised when my geometry students all fail, 'kay? thanksbyeeeee!

Dear Portland drivers,

Snow does not bite, it does not sting, and it will not burn you. In fact, please just don't drive. You frighten me. Turn into the skid, don't flail wildly, dammit! You can't get your car moving by accelerating faster, assholes, you'll just melt the snow you're on and it turns to ice! Braking harder doesn't help! Aaaauuuggggh!

In for the duration,

Dear fireplace, hot cocoa, netflix, and couch,

I heart you all.

Love and snuggles,

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