Monday, July 17, 2006

Dance of the Red Dress

So, when a friend of yours is getting married? and she says, I want you to be my bridesmaid, and you're so honored you say yes yes yes? and then she says, I don't care what you wear as long as it's, say, knee length and red?

Run.

Very far, very fast.

Okay, maybe that's just me.

It seems like it's sweet and open of her to leave it so open, and it would be if I weren't Giganta-girl, five inches, four cup sizes, and 60 pounds of gibbering fat above the norm. Do you know how many red dresses I can buy right now that allow for a bra, much less have a waistline that doesn't sit at my nipples?

None many, that's how many. None many.

No, seriously. YOU look. I don't fit size 14s (I used to, and then I gained those ten pounds back). So YOU search, and find a non-strapless, non-spaghetti strap dress is a red that isn't a hooker dress. Because it really would suck to look more fuckable than the bride on her wedding day.

So. I've been stressing about this, because the wedding? It's in six weeks. I woke up at 5:30 today--I'm on vacation, people--and couldn't go back to sleep.

And I don't have a red dress.

So--I formulated a plan. I'll have one made!

Now. How would YOU go about finding someone who could just whip out a dress for you? Yeah, that's the tough part. I asked around and asked around and asked around and finally called someone who couldn't help me and she gave me some more numbers and they couldn't help me either until FINALLY! this wee little transplant from Mexico City (seriously, I'd trip and squish her ai Dios mio! dead) who said she'd squeeze me into her schedule.

She's going to make me this dress (view A, the one in the orangey-red) and we went and picked out the fabric. While driving to the fabric store, she told me that she won't be able to follow the patterns because my torso, she is too long from shoulder to breast and from breast to waist, she is too long! so she will have to make a new pattern! a separate pattern! and so this dress will be sexy hot, and yet still demure (no hoo hah, no cleave) but it will also cost me an arm, a leg, the name of my first born and all equity in my home.

On the other hand, is my wonderful dressmaker says, this dress, she is so timeless! And chew will be quite sexay!

2 comments:

LeeAnn said...

"So YOU search, and find a non-strapless, non-spaghetti strap dress is a red that isn't a hooker dress. Because it really would suck to look more fuckable than the bride on her wedding day."

So it was more like purple, but I recall feeling a little overly fuckable and hooker-y at someone's wedding once.

Also? This is very weird but I spent a good three minutes thinking in the shower today about how glad I am I don't have to look for a wedding dress (a thought brought on by re-wearing the dress I wore to our bro's wedding). That was at least 12 hours before reading your post.

You'll send me picky pix, right?

Feel free to get your tailor to make me that same dress (or maybe version B) in a funky pattern, if you want. I'll even send you my measurements if you'll pick out the fabric.

I'm so glad you're back to blogging. It's like a slow-motion conversation.

keggy said...

Yeah, that neckline turned out to be... yeah. About that.

Heh.

Are you kidding? I'll be sending pictures to everyone in the entire world about this dress.